How to Discipline Your Child the Smart and Healthy Way

如何用既聪明又健康的方式管教孩子

 

Positive discipline for better mental and physical health and a happy childhood.

用正面管教促进孩子的身心健康，给孩子快乐的童年

 

There comes a time when every parent struggles with how best to discipline their child. Whether dealing with a screaming toddler or an angry teen, it can be hard to control your temper. No parent wants to find themselves in such a situation and the bottom line is that shouting and physical violence never help.

 

为人父母者都会有管教孩子的苦恼。面对尖叫的小孩或是愤怒的青少年，要控制住自己的脾气并非易事。父母们都不希望遇到这样的情况，但一旦遇到，要牢记，大喊大叫和体罚孩子并无助益。

 

Thankfully, there are other, more effective ways and one of them is positive discipline. We consulted Lucie Cluver, Oxford University professor of Child and Family Social Work and mother of two young boys, to explore how the approach can help parents build positive relationships with their children and teach skills like responsibility, cooperation and self-discipline.

 

父母们其实可以选择其他更有效的方法来化解上述烦恼，正面管教就是其一。我们为此咨询了牛津大学儿童与家庭社会工作研究教授、同时也是两个小男孩的母亲露西·克洛弗（Lucie Cluver），与她探讨了正面管教方法如何帮助父母与孩子建立正向积极的关系，并教给孩子责任感以及合作和自律等技能。

 

Why positive discipline?

为什么要正面管教？

 

“Parents don’t want to shout or hit their kids. We do it because we’re stressed and don’t see another way,” says Professor Cluver.

 

“父母并不想大喊大叫或是打孩子。许多人之所以这么做是因为压力太大，无法换个角度看问题。”克劳弗教授认为。

 

The evidence is clear: shouting and hitting simply do not work and can do more harm than good in the long run. Repeated shouting and hitting can even adversely impact a child’s entire life. The continued “toxic stress” it creates can lead to a host of negative outcomes like higher chances of school dropout, depression, drug use, suicide and heart disease.

 

已经有明确的证据显示：大喊大叫和打孩子根本没有助益，而且从长远来看，弊大于利。屡屡大喊大叫和体罚甚至会对孩子的一生发展产生负面影响。它所产生的持续的“有害压力”会导致一系列负面后果，例如，受此影响的孩子会更有可能辍学、抑郁、吸毒、自杀或罹患心脏病。

 

“It’s like saying: here’s this medicine, it’s not going to help you and it’s going to make you sick,” says Professor Cluver. “When we know something doesn’t work, that’s a pretty good reason to look for a different approach.”

 

克劳弗教授称，“这就像是饮鸩止渴。如果我们知道某些做法行不通，就应当另觅他法。”

 

Rather than punishment and what not to do, the positive discipline approach puts an emphasis on developing a healthy relationship with your child and setting expectations around behaviour. The good news for every parent is it works and here’s how you can start putting it into practice:

 

正面管教方法强调与孩子建立健康积极的关系，并为孩子的行为设定期望，而不是惩罚孩子或禁止孩子做什么。这种方法行之有效。以下是将其付诸实践的具体建议：

 

1. Plan 1-on-1 time

1. 利用好一对一的互动时间

 

One-on-one time is important for building any good relationship and even more so with your children. “It can be 20 minutes a day. Or even 5 minutes. You can combine it with something like washing dishes together while you sing a song or chatting while you’re hanging out the washing,” says Professor Cluver. “What’s really important is that you focus on your child. So, you turn your TV off, you turn your phone off, you get to their level and it’s you and them.”

 

利用一对一的时间开展互动对于建立任何良好的关系都非常重要，与孩子之间更是如此。“可以选择每天20分钟，甚至5分钟都行。形式也可以多样，例如您可以与孩子一同洗碗并为他们唱一首歌，或者一边晾衣服一边与他们聊天。”克劳弗教授表示，“真正重要的是要专注于孩子。因此，此时您最好关掉电视和手机，和孩子进行一对一的平等交流。”

 

2. Praise the positives

2. 表扬积极的一面

 

As parents we often focus on our children’s bad behaviour and call it out. Children may read this as a way to get your attention, perpetuating poor conduct rather than putting a stop to it.

 

作为父母，我们往往关注孩子的不良行为，并大声呵责。这样做往往会让孩子将此视为引起您注意的一种方式，非但难以制止这种不良行为，久而久之还会使之变成习惯。

 

Children thrive on praise. It makes them feel loved and special. “Watch out for when they’re doing something good and praise them, even if that thing is just playing for five minutes with their sibling,” recommends Professor Cluver. “This can encourage good behaviour and reduce the need for discipline.”

 

经常表扬孩子，有利于他们成长与发展。表扬会让孩子感到自己被爱、自己是特别的。克洛弗教授建议，“要随时留意孩子的闪光点并表扬他们，哪怕他们只是和兄弟姐妹玩了五分钟也要不吝夸奖。这样做能鼓励孩子的良好行为，减少管教的需要。”

 

3. Set clear expectations

3. 设定明确的期望

 

“Telling your child exactly what you want them to do is much more effective than telling them what not to do,” says Professor Cluver. “When you ask a child to not make a mess, or to be good, they don’t necessarily understand what they’re required to do.” Clear instructions like “Please pick up all of your toys and put them in the box” set a clear expectation and increase the likelihood that they’ll do what you’re asking.

 

克洛弗教授表示，“要明确地告诉孩子，您想让他们做什么，这比告诉他们不该做什么要有效得多。当您要求孩子不要捣乱，或者表现得好些时，他们并不一定理解自己该做什么。”设定明确的期望，将增加孩子按要求去做的可能性，例如，“请把所有玩具捡起来放到盒子里”就是一项明确的期望。

 

“But it’s important to set realistic expectations. Asking them to stay quiet for a whole day may not be as manageable as asking for 10 minutes of quiet time while you have a phone call,” says Professor Cluver. “You know what your child is capable of. But if you ask for the impossible, they are going to fail.”

 

“务实地设定期望也很重要。”克劳弗教授指出，“与其让孩子一整天都保持安静，还不如让他们在您打电话时安静10分钟来得容易。您知道自己的孩子能做到什么。但如果您要求他们做办不到的事，他们只会让您失望。”

 

4. Distract creatively

4. 创造性地转移注意力

 

When your child is being difficult, distracting them with a more positive activity can be a useful strategy says Professor Cluver. “When you distract them towards something else – by changing the topic, introducing a game, leading them into another room, or going for a walk, you can successfully divert their energy towards positive behaviour.”

 

克劳弗教授认为，当孩子很难相处时，尝试用积极的活动来转移他们的注意力将是个有用的策略。“转移孩子的注意力，其实就是要将他们的精力转移到积极的行为上，方法可以是改变话题、做游戏、带孩子到另一个房间或者出去散步等等。”

 

Timing is also crucial. Distraction is also about spotting when things are about to go wrong and taking action. Being mindful of when your child is starting to become fidgety, irritable or annoyed, or when two siblings are eyeing the same toy, can help diffuse a potential situation before it becomes one.

 

时机也很关键。转移孩子的注意力还包括在发现事情要出错时适时采取行动。要留意孩子是否开始变得不安、烦躁或易怒，或者两个孩子是否盯着同一个玩具，这样将帮助您在事态恶化之前防患于未然。

 

5. Use calm consequences

5. 教育孩子坦然面对后果

 

Part of growing up is learning that if you do something, something can happen as a result. Defining this for your child is a simple process that encourages better behaviour while teaching them about responsibility.

 

作为成长教育必不可少的一环，孩子需要认识到，做任何事，都会产生与之相应的后果。让孩子明确这一点并不难，它能鼓励孩子改进自身行为，同时还能教给他们责任感。

 

Give your child a chance to do the right thing by explaining the consequences of their bad behaviour. As an example, if you want your child to stop scribbling on the walls, you can tell them to stop or else you will end their play time. This provides them with a warning and an opportunity to change their behaviour.

 

可以通过为孩子解释不良行为的后果，来让他们有机会做正确的事情。举例来说，如果您想制止孩子在墙上涂鸦，您可以告诉他们，如果再继续涂鸦，他们就不能玩了。通过发出类似的警告，来让孩子有机会改变自己的行为。

 

If they don’t stop, follow through with the consequences calmly and without showing anger, “and give yourself credit for that – it’s not easy!” adds Professor Cluver.

 

如果他们还不停止，不要表现出愤怒，而是冷静地让孩子坦然承担后果。克劳弗教授表示，“对于家长来说，能做到这样并不容易。如果你做到了，可以为自己鼓鼓掌。”

 

If they do stop, give them lots of praise for it, recommends Professor Cluver. “What you are doing is creating a positive feedback loop for your child. Calm consequences have been shown to be effective for kids to learn about what happens when they behave badly.”

 

克劳弗教授建议，如果孩子真的停下来了，就要多多表扬他们。她指出，“这样做是为了给孩子创造一个正反馈循环。事实证明，让孩子坦然面对后果是行之有效的，它能让孩子认识到自己行为不当时会发生什么。”

 

Being consistent is a key factor in positive parenting, which is why following through with the consequences is important. And so is making them realistic. “You can take a teenager’s phone away for an hour but taking it away for a week might be difficult to follow through on.”

 

始终如一是正面育儿的关键因素，这就是让孩子承担后果之所以重要的原因。务实地设定后果也是如此。“您可以没收孩子的手机一小时，但没收一周就很难做到。”

 

Engaging with younger children

与年幼的孩子互动

 

One-on-one time can be fun – and it’s completely free! “You can copy their expressions, bang spoons against pots, or sing together,” adds Professor Cluver. “There’s amazing research showing that playing with your children boosts their brain development.”

 

一对一的互动时间可以很有趣，而且无需任何花费。克洛弗教授表示，“您可以模仿孩子的表情，用勺子敲击小盆，或者和孩子一起唱歌。”许多研究已经表明，和孩子一起玩耍能促进他们的大脑发育。”

 

Engaging with older children

与年长的孩子互动

 

Like younger children, teenagers seek praise and want to be thought of as good. One-on-one time is still important to them. “They love it if you dance around the room with them or engage in a conversation about their favourite singer,” says Professor Cluver. “They may not always show it, but they do. And, it’s an effective way of building a relationship on their terms.”

 

像小孩子一样，青少年也渴望被表扬，希望得到肯定的评价。一对一的互动时间对他们同样重要。克劳弗教授认为，“可以和孩子在房间里一同跳舞，或者谈论他们最喜欢的歌手，这样他们会很乐于与你互动。他们可能不会总是表现出来，但他们确实会因此而开心。这样做是以他们的方式拉近彼此关系的有效方法。”

 

While setting expectations, “ask them to help make some of the rules,” suggests Professor Cluver. “Sit them down and try to agree on the household dos and don’ts. They can also help decide what the consequences for unacceptable behaviour will be. Being involved in the process helps them know that you understand they’re becoming their own independent beings.”

 

克劳弗教授建议，在设定期望时，“要请孩子参与共同制定一些规则。让他们坐下来，试着就一家人‘该做什么’和‘不该做什么’达成一致。孩子们还可以帮助决定如果有不可接受的行为要承担什么后果。让孩子参与到这个过程中可以帮助他们认识到，您尊重他们正在成为独立的个体。”

 

Advice for parents during the COVID-19 pandemic

在2019冠状病毒病（COVID-19）疫情期间对父母的建议

 

The pandemic has brought about sudden and drastic changes in the lives of families with parents directly in the middle of it. Here are some tips that can help parents get through these and any other stressful times:

 

疫情给为人父母者的家庭生活带来突如其来的巨变。以下一些小建议将帮助为人父母者度过目前乃至未来的危机时刻：

 

1. Pause

1. 按下<暂停>键

 

We all know the stress when we feel our child is being difficult. At moments like these, being present and stepping back is a simple and useful tactic. Hit the “pause button”, as Professor Cluver calls it. “Take five deep breaths, slowly and carefully and you’ll notice you are able to respond in a calmer, more considered way. Parents across the world say that just taking that pause is enormously helpful.”

 

我们都知道，当我们与孩子很难相处时会备感压力。在这种时刻，专注于自己、退后一步将是一种简单而行之有效的策略。尝试按下克劳弗教授所说的“暂停键”。“缓慢、认真地深呼吸五次，您会发现自己能更冷静、更深思熟虑地做出应对。全世界的父母都会觉得，仅仅暂停一下就大有裨益。”

 

2. Step back

2. 退后一步

 

Parents often forget to care for themselves, says Professor Cluver. “Take some time for yourself, such as when the kids are asleep, to do something that makes you feel happy and calm. It’s really hard to do all the things right as a parent, when you haven’t given yourself a break.”

 

克劳弗教授说，父母经常忘记照顾自己。“留点时间给自己，比如在孩子睡着的时候，做一些让自己心旷神怡的事情。”作为父母如果连休息的时间都没有，就真的很难做好其他事情。”

 

3. Praise yourself

3. 表扬自己

 

It’s easy to forget the astonishing job you do as a parent every day and you should give yourself the credit, advises Professor Cluver. “Each day, maybe while brushing your teeth, take a moment to ask: ‘What was one thing I did really well with my kids today?’ And, just know that you did something great.”

 

克劳弗教授建议说，人们很容易忘记身为父母的自己每天所做的工作有多么了不起，应该时常表扬自己。“例如，每天在刷牙的时候，花点时间问自己：‘今天和孩子们在一起时，哪件事我处理得很好？’要认识到，您所做的事情很伟大。”

 

“We might be in and out of isolation, but you are absolutely not alone,” she says. “Millions of parents across the world are all trying and we’re all failing sometimes. And then we’re trying again. We’ll survive this together.”

 

克劳弗教授表示，“我们可能常常感到孤立无助，但您其实并不孤单。”“全世界的父母每天都在努力应对各种问题，人人都有无能为力的时候，但我们都会重整旗鼓，我们必将一起度过难关。”

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