雅思写作题材解析及习作修改（二）
——犯罪类
文/唐老雅
犯罪类话题是雅思写作的常客，每年均出现3—4次，内容涉及犯罪的原因，惩罚方式及惩罚的效果，如何避免犯罪等，这类话题很多学生平时思考得比较少，因此不可等闲视之。纵观近几年雅思写作，老雅将最常出现的犯罪类题材归纳为如下几类：
1. 青少年犯罪，包括：（1）青少年犯罪的原因及其解决办法；（2）青少年犯罪是否应该与成年人犯罪一样得到惩罚；（3）青少年犯罪后是否该收监，或者有其他的惩罚形式？
2. 一般犯罪的原因，包括：（1）人们犯罪的原因是什么？（2）犯罪是环境使然还是天性使然？
3. 一般犯罪的解决办法，包括：（1）犯罪能否避免？（2）避免犯罪，最好的办法是将犯人收监还是对人们实施教育？（3）是否应该控制电影和电视里的暴力镜头？
4. 其他，比如：出狱后的犯人能否成为教育青少年避免犯罪的典范？
以下是雅思犯罪类题材的经典考题，供烤鸭们参考。
1. A 14-year-old young who seriously damaged school was made to clean streets as a punishment. Do you think young criminals should be sent to prison or there are alternative forms of punishment? (2016.1.14)
2. Young people who commit serious crimes, such as robbery or a violent attack should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree? (2015.04.25)
3. Some think most crime is the result of circumstances e.g. poverty and other social problems. Others believe that most crime is caused by people who are bad by nature. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. (2014.11.8)
4. The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease the violent crimes in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree? (2011.5.9)
5. In most countries, prison is an effective solution to the problem of crime. Some people think it is a more effective solution to provide education for those who violate the law. To what extent do you agree or disagree? (2012.5.12)
现在，唐老雅将提供一篇犯罪类的学生习作，并对其进行详细修改。各位请先阅读学生习作，看它的问题有多少也是自己的问题，然后结合唐老雅对它从6 分到7 分的修改，揣摩唐老雅在思路、论点、论据、语言等方面做了哪些调整。唐老雅认为，从错误修改中学习雅思写作也许是最有效的。只要你紧跟唐老雅的步伐，期期阅读《英语世界》接下来刊登的雅思系列修改作文，你会发现，你的雅思写作水平不知不觉就提高了！比不惜重金到所谓名师那里学习的效果要好得多！不信，你可以试试。
题目
Nowadays many individuals in our society behave in an anti-social way such as committing crimes. What are the causes of this? Who should take responsibility for dealing with it?
学生习作
Nowadays, there is an increasing number of crime all over the world although the police have devoted to fighting crime for a long time. In the past, the criminals murdered, robbed and stole. However, they commit economic crime through the internet now. From my perspective, several reasons probably lead to the rising amount of crime. Simultaneously, a series of solutions can be used to solve the problems.
The first cause is that many games or programmes which contain plenty of violence are available on the Internet or on Television. For example, a game called Grand Theft Auto is about robbing cards or banks and players even can kill pedestrians who just talk with their friends. Such a bloody and violent game has not been banned by the global governments. As a result, it is not strange that so many teenagers become criminals just by mimicking the scene in the games or movies. Governments must strengthen the check of movies in order to reduce the opportunities that may motivate kids to commit a crime.
Secondly, people who are not well educated are more likely to commit a crime including robbing and stealing just for living. They have no choice but stealing because they do not learn a skill which can help them find jobs in the society. It is high time for government to take action and solve this problem. By publicizing the law through the media, people will be afraid of committing a crime. This is one part of the solution while the other part is teaching them skills to help them earn a living.
To sum up, I firmly believe that through these methods, the society will become more peaceful in the future.
评分：6
习作评论与修改
整体评价：总体来说，写得比较通顺。内容切题，原因分析有道理，而且论证也比较充分。句子写作相当正确，词汇也能表达自己的意思。影响得分的问题：（1）个别地方表达比较别扭，（2）个别地方的逻辑存在一定问题，（3）结尾过于仓促，没有对前文进行恰当总结。
提高建议：（1）多练习如何结尾（如何总结前文要点，同时又不与第一段的表达重复）；（2）继续保持目前的句子写作水平，在语法不错、句意清楚的前提下尽量注意表达的地道程度（当然，这个过程不会一蹴而就的，需要慢慢积累）。若想冲击7分段，需要积累更多语言表达手段。建议按照目前的写作方式继续练习，改正一些局部错误。冲击7分段放在下一阶段，不要盲目使用大词或者长句子，写错了反而弄巧成拙。
第1段
Nowadays, there is an increasing number of crime all over the world although the police have devoted to fighting crime for a long time. In the past, the criminals murdered, robbed and stole. However, they commit economic crime through the internet now. From my perspective, several reasons probably lead to the rising amount of crime. Simultaneously, a series of solutions can be used to solve the problems.
【老雅修改】Nowadays, there is an increasing number of crime all over the world although the police have made greater efforts to fight crime. Now there are not only people who murder, rob or steal, but also people who commit economic crime online. There are, of course, many reasons for this negative development, but from my perspective, two of them are probably the most immediate ones. Accordingly, we can take measures to solve the problem.
【老雅评析】
（1）devote的正确用法是：devote oneself to doing... / be devoted to doing...，比如：
The government has devoted itself to solving the traffic problem.
The government has been devoted to solving the traffic problem.
（2）原文第二、三两句是来论证第一句“世界上犯罪数量在增加”这个观点的，语言上错误并不严重，但给人的感觉好像是在比较过去和现在有不同类型的犯罪，这显然与前文脱节了。修改文删除了原文中比较的意味，表达出现在犯罪的花样越来越多，这就与第一句的观点吻合了。
（3）原文several reasons是虚指，按照后文，仅提供了两个原因，因此，这里要明确，就是两个原因。在第一段结尾时，尽量明确，这样全文的结构才能清楚。
（4）simultaneously是汉语的“同时”吧？但这里，其实就是“相应地”的意思，英文应该是accordingly。
第2段
The first cause is that many games or programmes which contain plenty of violence are available on the Internet or on Television. For example, a game called Grand Theft Auto is about robbing cards or banks and players even can kill pedestrians who just talk with their friends. Such a bloody and violent game has not been banned by the global governments. As a result, it is not strange that so many teenagers become criminals just by mimicking the scene in the games or movies. Governments must strengthen the check of movies in order to reduce the opportunities that may motivate kids to commit a crime.
【老雅修改】The first reason is that many computer games or movies containing violence are available on the Internet or television. For example, a game called Grand Theft Auto is about robbing cars or banks and the players even can kill pedestrians talking with their friends. Such a bloody and violent game has not been banned by the local governments. As a result, many teenagers become criminals just by mimicking the scenes in the games or movies. In this case, governments should be more responsible when censoring such games and movies in order to reduce the opportunities for kids to commit any crime.
【老雅评析】本段写得比较成功，修改较小。其中，governments must strengthen the check of movies，表达不是很地道，修改为governments should be more responsible when censoring such games and movies.
第3段
Secondly, people who are not well educated are more likely to commit a crime including robbing and stealing just for living. They have no choice but stealing because they do not learn a skill which can help them find jobs in the society. It is high time for government to take action and solve this problem. By publicizing the law through the media, people will be afraid of committing a crime. This is one part of the solution while the other part is teaching them skills to help them earn a living.
【老雅修改】Secondly, people who have not received good education are more likely to commit a crime such as robbing and stealing just for a living. They have no choice because they do not learn a skill which can help them find jobs. For this kind of people, government ought to, one the one hand, tell them that anyone who commits crimes will be punished, and on the other hand create opportunities for them to learn some survival skills to earn a living.
【老雅评析】
（1） include是列举完所有内容时使用，such as是举例。比如：
There are three members in my family, including my dad, mom and me.
People commit all kinds of crimes such as stealing, robbing and murder.
（2）本段讲教育程度低的人可能犯罪，但是原文提到的第一个建议居然是给这些人宣传法律让他们害怕犯罪，这个建议似乎不太符合逻辑，应该紧紧围绕提高他们的教育水平，交给他们生存技能来提建议。这里的问题是思维逻辑方面的（虽然不算大错误，但可能会影响得分）。
（3）本段最后一句的表达不太地道。如果需要提出两个方面的建议，可以使用we can do... on the one hand, and do...on the other hand这个句型结构。
第4段
To sum up, I firmly believe that through these methods, the society will become more peaceful in the future.
【老雅修改】To sum up, what is responsible for the increasing number of crimes includes the negative effects of violent movies and computer games as well as poverty. If government takes effective measures to change the situation, I firmly believe the world will become more peaceful in the future.
【老雅评析】原文结尾过于仓促，没有对原文进行恰当的总结。也可以使用如下句型进行总结：
To sum up, the negative effects of violent movies and computer games as well as poverty contribute to the increasing number of crimes.
To sum up, the negative effects of violent movies and computer games as well as poverty are the two major factors behind the increasing number of crimes.
To sum up, the negative effects of violent movies and computer games as well as poverty are the two reasons why there are more and more crimes today.