斩获高分的秘诀
——雅思作文（八）
文/唐老雅
在前面七篇关于雅思写作的文章中，老雅提出了“简单思维，自然接续”的八字方针，并通过实例阐明了如何将这八字方针落到实处。然而，“简单思维，自然接续”解决的主要是低分段学生的写作问题。老雅收到来自四面八方的《英语世界》读者信息，咨询如何在雅思写作中得到7分以上的高分。好，这一讲中，老雅就来谈谈雅思写作高分问题。
其实，细心的读者可能已经发现，老雅在本系列的开篇《什么算好作文——雅思作文（一）》（《英语世界》2016年第2 期）中就这样写过：“雅思作文7分是个分水岭。7分前是多数人都能达到的，经过恰当培训20小时以下，你我都能做到。7分以上……没有50小时以上的培训和练习，难！”老雅的意思就是，获得雅思写作7分以上不那么容易，需要有足够的英语表达能力，足够的思维能力，与“简单思维，自然接续”的方针有非常明显的差异。于是，我们就看到这样一个有趣的现象：很多同学达到6.5分或7分以后就开始迷失，无论怎么努力，都无法再将自己的写作分数往上提升一个档次。这种学生非常苦恼，也非常无助，因为周围的同学甚至老师已经无法再给他/ 她提供什么有用的建议了！
唐老雅仔细阅读了剑4—11提供的所有高分作文，归纳出了雅思高分作文的一些共有特征，现在就将老雅呕心沥血的研究成果分享于此（志在高分者必读哦！）：
·字数在300—320字之间（雅思作文最低字数是250 字）。
·一般分4—5段，首尾段字数占全文1/3，中间段字数占2/3。
·句子数量一般在12—15句，平均每句25字左右。
·全文总有一个长句，字数超过40字；全文总有一个短句，字数在10字以内；其余字数在20字左右。
·句式多样化：有介词短语置前，有分词短语，有插入语，有抽象名词做主语，等等。
·词汇高级化：例如，harmful—detrimental, important—paramount, instead—conversely，等等。
·每段第一句为较短句，每段第二句为较长句，每段结尾为较短句，形成一种节奏感。
·部分内容具有一定的思辨性。
·个别句子具有独创的新颖性。
这样，雅思高分作文的长相就是这样的：300字以上，结构合理，有一定思辨性和原创性，句式灵活多变，词汇准确而且有幅度。太短，难得高分；句式呆板，难得高分；思维呆板，难得高分；全是正确但普通的句子，难得高分。
现在，老雅将给出一篇学生的7分作文，然后逐句修改，看看如何把7分作文变成8分！
题目：
Some people think that all university students should study whatever they like. Others believe that they should only be allowed to study subjects that will be useful in the future, such as those related to science and technology.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
解析：
本题提出的两个对立观点是：大学生应该自由选择，想学什么就学什么呢，还是应该规定他们学习像科技这样对未来更有用的科目？题目要求讨论双方观点，然后给出自己的看法。一般而言，这类“双边讨论”的题目，应该分别用一段来讨论各自的观点，然后在结尾段提出自己的看法。比如本题中，就该先讨论学生自由选择的好处，然后讨论学习科技这类科目的好处，最后给出自己的结论。然而，写作从来就没有定势，即使是“双边讨论”题目，我们也可以把讨论的重点放在某一个观点上。比如本题，我们就可以重点讨论“大学生应该自由选择所学科目”，理由就是：（1）只有对所学科目感兴趣，才能学得好；（2）科技对国家和个人的未来有用，但其他所有学科也同样有用。
习作评改：
学生习作（第一段）：When students are relieved from the heavy burden of endless homework in senior high schools and get enrolled in universities, it is likely that they have come to a paradise of knowledge as well as freedom. All in all, it is their turn to choose what they would like to study.
唐老雅修改：Relieved from the overloaded burden of homework in senior high school, many students go into college only to find that they have plunged into the sea of knowledge without anybody telling them where to swim.
修改说明：用过去分词短语代替原文的When引导的从句；only to find...（却发现……）取代原文的it is likely that...；用sea of knowledge取代paradise of knowledge, 并连续使用比喻，用where to swim来表达to choose what they would like to study，展示出创造性使用语言的能力。
学生习作（第二段）：However, some people may start to worry about university students’ free choices – how could they choose what they should study in the next four years at such a young age? How could they know which subject is useful and which is useless? What if they study some totally meaningless subjects and idle their valuable time away?
唐老雅修改：Some people are filled with misgivings about university students’ free choices: how could they possibly tell, at such a young age, which subject is more useful than others and choose it as their focus of study in the next four years which are probably the most valuable time in their entire life?
修改说明：用people are filled with misgivings代替people may start to worry about，这是用高段词汇取代低段词汇。原文三个问句不符合高分作文的要求，唐老雅将其融合成一句，体现了对句子结构的掌控能力。
学生习作（第三段）：From my perspective, these people seem to be too considerate to have a long-term programme for young students’ development. In my opinion, choosing subjects by themselves can be more helpful for individual students as well as the whole society. That is to say, parents, university and society should encourage students to study what they like, instead of restricting them to certain practical subjects.
唐老雅修改：In my view, however, such considerations seem rather superfluous, for choosing a subject by students themselves is beneficial both to the students and the whole society as well.
修改说明：原文表达不够清晰，实际上就是想说，这种担心是多余的，修改文直接表达出来。另外，由于到目前为止，原作者还在引入段，没有进入论证段，所以，我将that is to say及后面的内容挪到结论部分。本句意味着，作者接下来将论述学生自由选择主修科目对个人和社会的好处所在。
学生习作（第四段）：Firstly, interest is the best teacher in our life. When we have passion on what we are doing, it is more likely for us to insist on it and make a great achievement in the future. For example, a good teacher must love his students and keep his students’ interest in mind; a professional doctor needs to be humane and sympathetic towards his patients; a top pianist should be crazy about his composition, to name just few. On the contrary, if a person is not fascinated about what he is studying, it can be really difficult for him to come to the peak of his career.
唐老雅修改：Firstly, as the saying aptly expresses, “interest is the best teacher”, which means only when we have passion for something can we do it better. A good teacher must love teaching and keep the students’ interest in mind, and a physician must love life-saving before he can be humane and sympathetic towards his patients, while a pianist should be crazy about playing and then become a top-notch artist. Contrarily, a person not fascinated by what he is doing is much less likely to get anywhere in his career.
修改说明：原文使用分号，修改文使用了连接词，显得更为紧凑。原文使用if a person is not fascinated about what he is studying，修改文用a person not fascinated about what he is doing...，明显更为正式，也更体现句式的灵活性。
学生习作（第五段）：Secondly, the differences between usefulness and uselessness are hard to distinguish, to some extent. Science and technology are certainly of great importance in the development of our society, but other subjects relating to philosophy and literature can also be priceless, which may not make a large profit directly, but may update our culture from a long perspective. So we cannot just simply say which subject is useful and which is useless. As long as we put our heart into what we are studying, we can make it useful.
唐老雅修改：Secondly, the boundary between “useful” and “useless” subjects is not that clear-cut as some people might have expected. Undoubtedly, science and technology is of paramount importance to the development of our world, but it does not follow that other less practical subjects like philosophy and literature are useless. While the increased knowledge about our body, for example, may help us live longer, a better understanding about history, culture and ourselves enabled by liberal arts may show us what kind of life is more valuable and therefore more worth living.
修改说明：原文想论述哲学和文学也很有用，因此不能说哪门课程更有用，但原作者却没有提出有力的论据。修改文使用了一个比较句型，将人文学科与医学进行比较：关于我们身体的知识增长会有助于我们活得更久，但人文学科带给我们的对历史、文化及自身的更好理解也可以向我们展示，什么样的生活更有价值，因此也更值得过。这一修改不仅丰富了原文的句型，更为原文增加了哲学上的深层思考。
学生习作（第六段）：All in all, as young university students, it is better for us to learn what we are really interested in as well as keep our responsibilities for this society in our mind. Moreover, when it comes to friendship, marriage, career and so on, we need also insist on this principle.
唐老雅修改：To conclude, rather than restricting the students to certain “useful” subjects, parents and universities should encourage them to study whatever they like to. By doing so, the students will be able to learn those things, be it useful or not, that really interest them, and this is helpful to the future career of the students, and to the contribution they can make to the world.
修改说明：将原文过长的引入段中部分内容挪到结论部分，不仅总结了全文，也丰富了结论部分的内涵。另外，原文最后一句引入了新话题，显然是不合适的，应该删除。
修改小结：
1. 句子长度及字数分布：学生习作共414字，21个句子；修改文358字，11个句子。修改文显得更加紧凑。
2. 修改文句型更加丰富多变，比如：
a. Relieved from the overloaded burden of homework in senior high school, many students go into college only to find that they have plunged into the sea of knowledge without anybody telling them where to swim.（置首的过去分词短语；“知识的海洋”和“游泳”连续用喻）
b. How could they possibly tell, at such a young age, which subject is more useful than others and choose it as their focus of study in the next four years which are probably the most valuable time in their entire life?（恰当的插入语；which后置定语）
c. By doing so, the students will be able to learn those things, be it useful or not, that really interest them.（句首介词短语；插入语）
3. 词汇更加丰富，比如：
a. In my view, however, such considerations seem rather superfluous, for choosing a subject by students themselves is beneficial both to the students and the whole society as well.
b. ...a pianist should be crazy about playing and then become a top-notch artist...
c. Undoubtedly, science and technology is of paramount importance to the development of our world, but it does not follow that other less practical subjects like philosophy and literature are useless.
4. 思维更具深度和哲理，比如在论述“科技知识与历史文化知识一样有用”时，使用了如下比较句型：
While the increased knowledge about our body, for example, may help us live longer, a better understanding about history, culture and ourselves enabled by liberal arts may show us what kind of life is more valuable and therefore more worth living.